What To Do When You Are Hurt
Everyone of us is hurt from time to time. Sometimes we are hurt intentionally by others and sometimes unintentionally. Some hurts are little and within a short time we forget about them. What I want to talk about are the times when we are hurt and time doesn’t seem to bring healing. Every time we think of the person who hurt us, the pain and anger wells up inside again. Most people do not know what to do and continue to live with the pain, which often gets worse with time. I believe that there are two things God wants you to do when you are hurt. If you do these two things, God will bring healing into your life.
The first thing to do when you are hurt is the simplest, but often overlooked. Simply pray and ask for God to help you. There is great power in prayer. Full Life Community Church has many people attending who are unchurched. They are always so amazed the first time they give a prayer request to our prayer team and God answers the prayer, often very quickly. God is there to help, if we will but ask Him and oftentimes humble ourselves to ask others to pray.
The second thing to do when you are hurt is more difficult, it does not come naturally. When you are hurt, God wants to teach you to forgive the person who hurt you. Many people have trouble with forgiveness, they think that forgiveness is letting the other person off the hook. Forgiveness is really about letting you off the hook, the hook of unforgiveness. An increasing number of scientific studies are now documenting that unforgiveness is a key factor in many sicknesses and that people who forgive are more healthy.
What is forgiveness? Forgiveness is simply yielding your right to get even with the person who hurt you. It is not saying that what they did was right, it is not saying that God will let them off the hook. It is giving up on revenge and praying for them. How can you forgive when the hurt is great? You can forgive as you remember that God has forgiven you. You can forgive when you acknowledge that God is in control. Nothing that anyone will ever do to you can thwart God’s plan for your life. God is able to take even the worst of the hurts and turn it around for good for those who love God.
Recently, I read an amazing story about two men, Tass and Moran, who forgave one another and became lifelong friends. Tass was a Palestinian Arab, trained by the Fatah as a sniper to kill Jews. Moran was a Israeli soldier who had seen many of his friends killed by a suicide bomber. Each man, one a Muslim, one a Jew, became a Christian upon reading the Bible. God allowed them to meet one another and through a process of reconciliation and forgiveness, made possible by God’s grace alone, they became close friends. The answer to broken relationships, the answer to hurts in your life, the answer to problems between nations is found in Jesus. He has forgiven us, so we can forgive others.
TEV Eph. 4:32 Forgive one another, as God has forgiven you through Christ.
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- Releasing God’s Power Of Forgiveness
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- Restoring Damaged Relationships
- Experience Supernatural Healing
Pastor,
My question is “What is forgiveness?” Can you forgive someone in your mind/heart, but not do it face to face. Let’s say that there are issues with an indivudual and you are scared (due to physical abuse) for yourself or your family (children) to face the person ever again. Can you forgive a person, but never want to be a part of their life again? Or, if you never want to be a part of their life again does that mean you really haven’t forgiven them?
Forgiveness is simply yielding your right to get even with the person who hurt you. Unless someone has come to you and said they are sorry, it generally is best to simply forgive them in your heart as you pray to God. When someone poses a serious physical risk to you and your family, based on past behavior, forgiveness does not mean that you have to be around that person.
There are a number of possible situations here, so it is hard to answer all possibilities. Sometimes a person will really hurt you, but say they are sorry and really change their ways. Forgiveness can lead to a complete reconciliation of the relationship with God’s help. At other times the person who hurt you never apologizes or changes their ways, and so it is best to forgive them in your heart and stay away from them, if the physical risk is great. The toughest cases are those where the person who hurt you apologizes again and again, but their actions never change. Forgive them and do what you need to protect yourself and your family. I believe you can truly forgive someone and at the same time follow God’s guidance to not allow them in your life for the sake of your own physical safety and protection.
This is to the person that wrote the comment about Pastor Dan’s blog on foregiveness. I had to foregive my mother 10 years ago for the abuse I suffered as a child growing up by her hands. I didn’t do it face to face cause she died. I did it through prayer and telling the Lord that I foregive her.I also had to forgive my father for the role he played in my childhood.I couldn’t do that face to face either.Because I didn’t know where he was. He has since died. Right now God is requiring me to forgive someone in my lkife that is hurting me emotionally on a continueous basis. This one will be harder for me to do because of who this person is. This person is in denial about the whole thing. I will have to pray and ask God how he wants me to do this. We has christian must forgive because that is who and what God is. Jesus forgave them when they hung Him on that cross. I will pray for you concerning this matter. I hope this has helped you. God Bless
Pastor Dan,
I am asking that you pray for me. My life has been filled with hurt after hurt and I have trouble forgiving. Please pray that God endow me with courage.
Father, I pray for this person whose life has been filled with so many hurts. Help him (her) to know that you weep with every tear that falls from his eyes. That you feel every hurt and pain that he has endured. Help him to know that you understand what he is going through, because Jesus went through great pain and suffering in his life on earth. Yet, Jesus found the courage to forgive those who tortured and killed him. Help this person to know that forgiveness is not so much for the person who has hurt him as it is for himself and his relationship with God. Give him the courage to do as Jesus did and forgive, thereby opening himself up to your forgiveness and healing. Give him the fresh start in life that only you can give. A fresh start with you, unencumbered by the prison of bitterness and unforgiveness. A fresh start in knowing the joy of your forgiveness and the ability to forgive those who don’t deserve to be forgiven. Thank you for his request for prayer. Answer this prayer through the power of your Spirit. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
I wanted love, and received hurt. Am having a hard time forgiving the person that hurt me. I was hurt one year ago by a Christian man. He hurt me intentionally. I wanted to love this man, he wanted to hurt me. He did a great job.
So I hurt. He has a wife, new baby. So I guess my real hurt is the fact, he was able to marry, go on with his life. While I now am afraid of men. So how do i forgive and move on. I asked for help, I prayed.
One year he pretended to love me. Knowing he was married the etire time. I was falling in love with him. So forgive a Pastor, that is wealthy, has a wife etc. While I suffer through everyday, thinking he may come to hurt me. The world loves this man. And I get nobody, or nothing.
i gave my life to christ not too long ago.been dating this man for about three years now. did everything for him cos he had no one and was going through a lot. you can never imagine the extent i went for him. i’m broke today cos i gave him almost all my savings and he hurt me real bad. he started cheating and abused me verbally. he mistreated me terribly and made me cry everytime. the respect and love he said he had for me were now history. i had never felt so depressed and down cast that way.he embarassed me and made me develop an inferiority complex cos i thought i wasn’t good enough. even in the midst of all he was doing, i still prayed and cared for him.i would never forget the day he said to my face after one of my crying sessions, “what if i didn’t exist?” he did all these cos things were now better with him forgetting that i helped him get there.he would apologise and still cheat. we were to get married someday but one of those days i cried after reealising he was still cheating, he said he didn’t want to tie me down. it was obvious he didn’t respect me anymore. he could say anything to my face.i helped him get the car he now has but he carries the other girl in it, how cruel can a man be?
he really really hurt me but with the help of God, i’m better now. i cry no more. we haven’t broken up officially but i know in my mind that we can’t be together again especially now that i’m born again. i can’t continue to have an immoral relationship. he did alot more but i’v e summarised it.
pastor, tell me, how do i begin to forgive such a person especially when remorse is so far from him and after all he did not even thinking about all i went through for him. only God can understand the pain. how do i see him, smile and be warm to him after everyhthing.its really hard but with God, i’ll do it if thats what God wants me to do.
Forgiveness is not easy, but it releases the forgiver from their pain and hurt. Someone does not have to show remorse or say they are sorry for you to forgive them. When you forgive someone, you are simply giving up your right to get even with them. You leave them in God’s hands, who is far better able to deal with them.
Jesus said that if you don’t forgive others, then God won’t forgive you. So, it’s pretty important to forgive. Forgiveness releases you from a prison of hurt and bitterness. Forgiveness opens your life up to God’s hope and purpose. You can forgive someone in your own prayers, without ever speaking to them. You forgive them over and over again until the anger and bitterness goes away. God will help you find a better life.
Paster Dan,
I have recently (in the last 5 months) experienced much emotional hurt and a little spiritual abuse in a relationship i have been having. I’ve been doing a lot of prayer, asking for guidance etc and have received a repetitive message to seek healing. Although i know i have to get this healing I’m not sure who I’m supposed to go to in order have it administered. I read your blog on forgiveness, and it seems to fit in very closely with healing, so i thought that i might ask you to pray for me. I also wanted to ask your opinion on whether or not i should see a local pastor also and receive healing there as well.
i also wanted to ask you how you can be sure when something is from god, like a message or image when you’re praying, or when it’s your own desires or thoughts. Anything you could tell me on this would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.
Glad to hear the blog has been helpful to you. I will pray for you. I would also recommend that you find a Bible-believing church in your area and get help and prayer there as well.
I am beginning a new message series in July called “How To Hear God Speak.” I believe that it will be of value to you with the questions you have. You can listen to the messages online after I give them.
My pastor sexually abused my wife and claimed she seduced him. He is even going around spreading this lie. I am seriously hurt and my devastated. We have left the church but still struggling with the hurt.
Please advice us. How can we save ourselves from this shame?
That’s a very difficult situation. If you believe the pastor committed a crime, you should report it to the civil authorities. If you don’t believe it was a crime, it should still be reported to the denominational or church authorities. Churches and denominations should not tolerate sexual infidelity in pastors and few do.
On a personal level, you need to forgive the pastor in your own hearts. This does not mean that he is not guilty or that you should not pursue justice from the proper authorities. It simply means that you leave the end result in God’s hands. Then you need to find a good Bible believing church whose pastor is under authority, find healing in that church community and move on in life.
Pastor Dan,
I am having a very hard time forgiving my wife. After 10 years of marriage she cheated on me about a year ago. We have 3 kids, 10, 7, &6. Although the affair was very short and she told me everything, sometimes I think the only reason we are still together is the kids. I just can’t seem to trust her like I did prior. I can feel the damage being caused to what’s left of our relationship due to my lack of trust and even mild paranoia, and I fear what will happen if I can’t ‘get over it’. We chose to stay together and I said I would work on forgiving… and she has made some changes, but it still feels like the relationship is eroding.
Just need some help.
strain1330,
Forgiveness is a process, not a one time event. Broken trust in a marriage relationship must be rebuilt over a long period of time. You say nothing in your comment about whether you and your wife are growing together spiritually in the context of a healthy church. I believe only God can put all the pieces back together. And even when the pieces are back together, you’ll still remember what happened, you can’t erase the memories. However, God can help you move forward into a place of healing and harmony once again. I believe you are doing the right thing in reconciling, right for you, your marriage and your children. Don’t give up, God will help you.
My pastor hurt me and my family in such a way that I am crushed and spiritually broken. I don’t think I can trust pastors anymore. They are not as they seem – loving, forgiving. After 10 years at our church, we needed help with a problem that affects half of all marriages – even pastors. My husband struggled with porn. He was taken off all ministries and so was I! We were told most people just leave! After 2 years of being benched and forgotten – no real restoration, I questioned it. My pastor told me, “As your friend, not your pastor, if I were you, I would go to another church, even a new denomination.” I couldn’t listen to him preach anymore. Everything he spoke about forgiveness, love, mercy sounded like a lie! How can I go into another church not trusting pastors?
Tasha,
I am sorry for what you experienced at your church. It was not what the Bible teaches. Quite frankly, if the pastor of the said you should leave, you should leave, because that is not a good church for you.
How can you go to another church? First, recognize that not all churches and pastors are the same. There are good churches and pastors that will help bring restoration in difficult situations. Secondly, as I said in my post, you must learn to forgive those who have treated you wrongly in your church, including your pastor. To forgive, does not mean that you must stay in that church. Find another church and trust God to give you and your husband a fresh start there.
Dear Pastor,
I used to very much be a church goer. At 18 I went to university and it all went down the pan for me. I met a girl there, who I treated very badly, at the end of our relationship was the only time I could say I truely loved her (after two years). We broke up around 3 weeks ago, and I was dealing with things relatively well. She now says she has a new boyfriend and its really cut me up. I suspect she is telling me lies to upset me. I deserve it after all. Combined with this loss, i’ve lost my job, didn’t finish my degree and my world has collapsed around me. I don’t want any of it back, but will you please pray for me, so that I can feel the complete peace of God in my heart, so that I can move on to greater things and to a better life. Thank you very much indeed. Chris, Wales, UK
I have more of a question than a response. My husband and I are both Christians, saved by the grace of God. In our church it is mostly family. I worked with a girl that dates my cousin, whom I introduced. She was very mean to me after I got them togehter. She told me at one time I had everything she wanted. I took it as she was lonely and I was married and had a child, and she envied my relationship with God. She asked if she could come to church with us and I told her yes. Then she and my cousin started dating. Once she started dating him things got really ugly at work. She was always degrading me and cutting me down. It all started when my other cousin said something to the family that was not said by my husband. It was a made up, all out lie…We both apologized for weeks and this girl would bever except our apology.
It all got worse when my other cousin said something to the family that was not said by my husband. My other cousin told my family that my husband said this girl was crazy. He did say it, but meant funny, not psycho. By the time the cousin went to tell the other family members there was more added to it of course. We both apologized for weeks and this girl would bever except our apology.
I had enough and I quit my job which I didn’t want to do.But felt I had no other choice but to remove myself from the situation. She stills come to church with my cousin. I never told anyone in the family the reason I quit my job. She was very loud, and boisterous, I am very quiet and shy. She told my family that she and I got in a fight, like a fist fight. That was very far from the truth. I never said anything, I just left and told her that I don’t have to be treated that way, I do not have to like her, I am still gonna love her soul, but that is all.
My husband appologized again at church infront of her boyfriend and some other family members and she didn’t accept it then either. This was after almost 4 months from when it all began. I have cried and left it with the lord to please take care of it. I do feel some peace. But my tourment is going to church and feeling like we are held back to worship the way we should because the family will not speak to us.
It is blown way out of proportion. We would Never Ever hurt anyone on purpose. We feel we have been done wrong also. We don’t know if we need to find another church. We have a son who is 8 and we don’t want to remove him from the church he has known forever. We are so hurt and confussed. Our apologies are not excepted, and we feel like we have been done wrong.
Do you have any advice? We try to smile at them, speak to them, and pray for them.
Thanks for your help!
I would suggest that you speak to your pastor about the situation. He may be able to get you and this girl together and help bring about a reconciliation. If that doesn’t help and you have done all you can, I would encourage you to leave it in God’s hands and continue to serve and worship Him. If everything else about the church is fine, I would hate to see you leave over this one problem relationship. I will pray that God gives you wisdom in the situation.
Dear Pastor Dan,
This is not a response but a questions that I hope that you will have time to answer for me. My family and I have gone to the same church (with the same pastor) for over 15 years. I currently went back to college to get my Bachelors Degree and have missed quite a bit of church. My husband takes my 3 children faithfully and I attend more times than not. I have had some struggles through the past couple of years but still consider myself “a child of God”. I finally graduated this past Friday and at church on Sunday I felt God in a powerful way as I was praying and many other church members were praying with me. My pastor didn’t pray for me which isn’t unusual in my case. He hasn’t prayed for me (by laying on hands or even getting close to me) in many years and frankly, although it hurts sometimes, it’s okay because the bible doesn’t say “Your pastor has to lay hands on you to be healed.” (I know this email is getting quite lengthy so I’ll try to keep it short). During prayer on Sunday the pastor stopped the service and said “I don’t care about those praying now (which was only me) but am concerned about those not praying so everybody stand so we can get on with the service”. Those were his words! I felt like the Spirit was quenched because I was getting a much needed break through and I was very hurt because I needed this break through as I almost lost my soul going through this university. I feel it’s a real need for me to change churches but my whole family is extremely involved in this church, my children attend the church school and everyone in my family obviously feels that this is there church home even though I don’t. What would you do Pastor Dan? I would love to have a pastor that I could talk with but mine avoids me like the plague. Should I find a church and go alone? No one else in my family will go with me.
I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had some problems with your pastor and church. I would encourage you to practice forgiveness over what has happened in the past. If the church you are going to is a Bible-believing church, I would encourage you to remain there and follow your husband’s spiritual leadership. I don’t know exactly what went on in the service you mentioned, but the pastor’s role is to try to do what’s best for the whole church. That means sometimes, our own needs must be left in God’s hands, so that the others needs can be met. Often times, the best place for individual ministry is in small groups that meet during the week. I will pray that God gives you wisdom and grace to help you find His direction.
Pastor Dan… Thank you, this really helped me move on…
and now i know that people will always hurt you… even the close one but all you gotta do is pray and forgive, so that you can be able to forget…
Thank you for making me realize that.